life's a bitch and then you die

so for the first time on saturday i became a part of a drunken brawl and got elbowed in the face by some lanky goldsmiths looking twat, y'know the type- in a band/ dj/ write for vice etc. don't get me wrong, i'm sure they have their uses.. since when was accelerating egoism in self involved scenesters not a productive thing to be getting on with? i mean, why don't you just kill yourself.

so anyway, hating on people is clearly taking centre stage here. am i trying to lick my vain wounds and mask the fact that i'm now old enough to recognise when i feel physically threatened? i'm sure that these things are totally seperate from the natural inclinations my soul dreams of; yet somehow the idea of bowing down to some jumped up twat makes me furious- who hits girls anyway.

i'm working again after my stint of volunteering, which would be cool if only i could get rid of my mountain of debt and 530AM alarms.

The Greenhouse

came home today to discuss drugs and the terrors of alcoholism with my parents. i'm going to build a bee hive in the garden tomorrow thanks to a book clemmie got me for christmas about self sufficiency. will be totally brilliant. i've stopped myself from reading fiction after getting way too involved with anna karenina. am trying to justify hating it when secretly i find it bore-ing into my soul. which is the pattern of my life. it is sending me coo coo with it's presumtions and its floating. frustrating. i'll be back tomorrow no doubt as i fail to make the bee hive and sink back into the unanimous gratification i recieve from other people's words.

ten commandments at my door

dog has left my house without me and i feel caged indoors alone, such a rare thing with so many people living in little 32. but whyyy? have been feeling remarkably tipsy all day today as i spent last night in alcohol excess celebrating an old school friend's 23rd birthday in dartford. bumped into my old english teacher swaggering out of an offlicense with two bottles of wine in her hand which was nice but potentially depressing(??)- obvs big lols and dancing to be had with the go-go dancing shot girls in the bull and vic but now i feel like isolation summit calls me home.

the world shines

when i was 17 i had this boyfriend who made me a mix CD which was really cute and used to buy me books i'd really love to read and i think about him sometimes because i think i might've loved him only i didn't know it then. is that weird? i saw him once after that and just ignored him because i didn't know what to say. i broke up with him over email once i found out my dad was dying or whatever so that is never a nice block to make conversation about. i only really have two friends who have properly known me +16 so it's not really something i talk about much but i think when my dad was really sick i turned into a completely different person. most of the time when i look back on experiences i draw blanks so i cut a lot out of my life and i'm living still now but there is nothing outside of this wonder, is there.

if i go there, i won't stay there

I've decided to join the liberal democrats to thwart the local bnp votes in my area and so therefore i am thinking about life in this part of town again which i used to think automatically takes me to backwards living and stupid racist bigots all around me all the time.. but now i like to believe that i am becoming 'not so self involved' and am meeting up with some people i've never met before in local cafes for informal community cohesion chats over black coffee and an asda doughnut.






















http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj6QilYg5VA

swoon.

why i say/said makes a difference

so i am having a totally pleasant evening indoors readin some interesting stuff, applying for jobs (not so much) and listening to music which makes me feel like taking acid and lying on the floor. so i legally drove a car for the first time today which was novel i am totally saving up for one and selling my soul for a ticket to europe.
my sister bought me back a beautiful notebook from a hippy camp in the himalyas which means that i have something secret to play with back at home so i use my hands more than my ears which is novel too, it will bode well with the car driving and the whole living thing. if only i could feel this good every second!

is there something special about 15 o clock?

bored.

i vant to suck your blaaadd

i kind of miss being brave enough to have a digital camera and taking pictures to match my mood- it really does kill a lot of time. i kinda wish i could revert back to my 15 year old self now i am home because alcoholism is looking more and more enticing every time i think about how much time i spend reading books about vampires and listening to pop classics on spotify. is it so bad? i can moan to a machine whilst dreaming that one day it will grow some boobs and tell me that i am everything they need... so things can't be that bad.
selfish, huh. dream boats don't sail. dogs die in hot cars. and the world is full of moustaches and asymmetrical hair.

hello rooshky zoloto, you are mine.

my head is green and endless except for the glitches where i am afraid

don't take your self mad

whut.am.i.meant.to.do.now.i.am.home.with.a.banned.what.cd.account.
too.bad.

i have nearly unpacked, igh. i have been 'living at home' for 2 weeks now but this is my first night indoors. can't move in my little box room because i have too much stuff it seems. i hate throwing things out though so we are all in a quandry all-times. i'm feeling better here, though it would be nicer if it wasn't so small so i could make a noise without being a prick.

where to go.what to do. huh, i'm working in a girl's school in leytonstone and still with sapna investigating wheelchair/flying machines and eye-recognition editing software but bored now, need change and beach and sun and good food outside.

humour me, i'm hot blooded.

what a fantastic thing, loves the face. does that make me shallow? i am writing my final essay about disability politik and i am deconstructing everything and both agreeing with Marx and developmental psychology. Is that possible? So I lied about finishing before, it made me feel like I had though, so it counts.

still, self indulgence is my most consistent trait.

period contention

so, i haven't had one of these in a while, i'm enjoying it already- the font is more compact than livejournal which always makes me feel a lot better- i have a short attention span and like change every now and again, as long as it doesn't fuck with the brain. plus,
i spent a lot of my teenage years on livejournal- whinning about how my 27 year old fuck didn't love me. sigh. is this how i'm meant to start this thing? i'm 21 now, i live in a real house, i enjoy cooking fresh food, own a tiny little cat who is literally my favourite thing in all the world, i spend most of my time either looking at or taking pictures of her. she twitches in her sleep and does a lot of other things too which bring me so much joy.

and
in two days time i finish university 4eva- a film studies graduate.. i am pretty much everything i think that i thought was Bastard in my past life. not in a good way necessarily, i still hate everyone around me quite often, but i am controlled now, i'm off the pill again so my hormones are back to some kind of routine'd composed state (seriously)
i am also listening to the
all
time
best
pure garage album which is a pretty lucky, as i share a room with my boyfriend* and he is only tolerant of my shit music taste** every now and again, recently he has dis-allowed me nina simone priveleges or any vagina music that isn't kate bush or girls aloud (everyone has their weaknesses, right) . never understood vagina music myself, probably because i've never known a real boy before, all of my friends are either gay or emotionally stunted. what did you do between ages 12-19 if not sit alone in your room at 4am listening to the manics? football or drugs apparantly.
* catholic school never held well
**i don't agree